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Who I am is not who I thought I’d be.

There was a time I thought my life would look quite differently than it does.


Entry date: Today


Where was I going to go when I got up this morning anyway? I just haven’t done anything differently in 'oh, so long' that I feel as though my life has been stuck in this habit groove, I’ll call sameness. It doesn’t serve me well. It makes me feel as though I’ve never been any different than I am.

 

Funny though, when I look back and over my shoulder, I can see this huge arcing whirlwind that has swept through my life and upended it in ways that are remarkable and truly revealing. I can’t quite understand it when I look at it myself, but I can see it clearly when I look at those around me. The audience has changed. There used to be a dependable few who always had my back, always did the thing that was needed in the moment that I needed it and then suddenly there were none.

 

What happened to them? Did they leave, or did I abandon them? Did we have a falling out or a parting of the ways? Did we just forget to say, ‘hello’ and ‘goodbye’? They meant the world to me and now I don’t see them so readily. I suppose that happens in life, we grow into and out of people and places just the way we grow into who we think we are and then finally, into who we really are.

 

I can’t say this clearly enough, I am not alone yet I am not together either. I am a wistful soul, a delightful partner and yet I have a sternness about me that can seem quite bossy. Not everyone understands this, few do. And those that really do, understand the magic and power of Me. Being who I am is the most important thing, not because I’m some preachy mother of pearls of wisdom woman, but because I truly and honestly can’t be anything but.

 

I woke up the other day and said, 'Fu*k it! What’s the point?' I can’t be who I am any longer if it has this level of hardship attached to it. I want to order up a new serving of French fries and call that my life. If only it were so easy, but it’s not. It’s not nearly easy enough and I think that’s the thing I want to share today. Who I am is not who I thought I’d be.

 

Who I am is realization of worth. It’s an empowerment of my inner nature and it is what some would call ‘wreckless’ or foolish or downright unperturbable, but finally in the end, all I can really see is that it’s me. It’s me standing here saying, 'I love me. I love me in ways I could not possibly understand. I love you in ways you could not possibly understand.' And so, though it may seem we are standing still, we are running with a fury in our hearts to come together in wholeness that unites a way of beingness deep inside us. We are running to be One. One heart. One mind. One soul in union.

 

To each and every man, there is given a deep yearning to reunite with their deep oneness. And this oneness calls the shots like nobody’s business. It keeps the home fires burning and it lays the torch to find your way home in the night. But it also lays waste to me and you for a while, while we find our way home into our own Hearts.

 

Our own Hearts are our saviour and this is the thing I know to be true beyond reason; there’s no place like home. There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home! Right Auntie Em? What I wouldn’t do for a magic pair of slippers someday. I call home my Heart. And I know this is your Heart too.

 

This is true for all of us. We must find our way home and into our fancy pair of shoes or our comfortably old loafers or our Sporty Spice sneakers. And until we do, we’ll be rooted through our toes into the ground that seems immovable. The ground won’t move beneath your feet, but the landscape will surely change.

 

And this is how you’ll know you’re on your path back home. It starts to look a little brighter. And that might be the only difference you see for the longest time. Just know this, deep down in your heart, we are one.

 

And it’s the one that we are that makes it worthwhile. Makes it worth fighting for. Makes it worth never giving up.


I’m not going to go through this life saying ‘I told you so’ because I’m the bossy one. I’m going to be the one that goes through this life saying ‘I told you so’ because I want other people to know there’s a way through. A way to be who you are, and to be in love, and to be in life, and most importantly to be in hope.

 

To be in hope like no other human being on the planet from time to time. And that’s all I really have to say about that. So, for today and for always…you are enough. I am enough. We are enough.

 

Come home and be who you are, that’s all anyone really wants in this life.

Just be you.


 

Love, Me.

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